July 15, 2005

  •  Do I have theories?

    To me, it's more of an observation, and before I share this observation
    of mine, a few obligatory starter points. This likely varies from
    person to person, it may not apply all over, I do reference gender
    roles, my approach is entirely heterosexual, and I'll likely get
    lambasted in the first reply, but I just want to share this and get feedback.

    So we live in a world today where men are the initiators in personal
    relationships, a setup that I'm aware of, getting familiar with, and
    becoming comfortable with over time. Still nowhere near figuring it
    out. As a guy, the first step is to express interest in a girl - in
    some way, on a low level at first, I would hope.

    The ball lands in the girl's court. What to do? Is this really someone
    I want to be with? Is it serious or can we just get to know each other
    without leading him along? A harder question that girls will wrestle
    with more than guys - what other options do I have? Unlike a guy, girls
    tend to be sorting out the interest coming their way instead of
    figuring out where to initiate. Which limits options at first, but as
    far as I can tell, responding to attention has better odds!

    Again, I'm not proposing changes to this, I'm observing. I think there are pluses and minuses to both sides. Here's the rub.
    The power dynamic switches sides frequently. The initiator. The
    reciprocator. Back to the first side to decide if it's a good idea to
    continue. But that is held in check by the one who decides to continue
    to reciprocate!

    Basically, my outlook is that there's a balance here. This was somehow supposed to make more sense.

Comments (6)

  • Ok, my response might be a bit long winded, but I was a sociology major, so this gender role thing is sorta my forte.  I think you've got it down pretty good, but here's the dilemma: the world is changing very quickly and there are some women out there that like to have all the power, or take on the more "masculine" role in the initiation of a relationship (contrary to popular belief, I'm definitely not one of them, but I know plenty women who are).  Are those women supposed to give up who they are and just let the men show interest?  Besides, there are a number of guys who only show interest for the obvious reasons and not because they want to initiate some kind of relationship.  Furthermore, what about the guys who are more timid and are less likely to go for the girl that they want?  Why does it have to be so status quo?

    But lack of reciprocation does pose a problem in some cases.  That's how some of us end up with stalkers ("No means no, not try harder!").  Others of us end up with hopeless crushes and remain the hopeless romantics whose ship never comes in.  Girls do have it rough though, I mean, trying to figure out a guy's intentions and endless hours of try to figure out the message behind the words a guy may throw her way.  Endless replays of the phone message he left, girl talk over coffee...guys can be so cryptic sometimes when they think they're giving the simple message, "I like you and want to date you."  Even I, Ms. Intuition herself, have missed those signals, only to find out later that a guy I was madly in love with was trying to show that he liked me...but this isn't about me, this is about your theory.

    So let's go into that even further: playing the options...I think we do that, just in case the intuition is wrong and the guy really is not that into us as we think.  That and protecting ourselves from yet another heartbreak.  There are so many outside variables that girls consider and some will go as far as to incorporate the time of the year in the equation.  But if the right guy comes along, all of that gets thrown out the window in an instant, and she tries to not screw it up!  And what do you do when the perfect guy comes along and he's not that into you?  Then your whole theory on guys gets debunked and you're back to the drawing board.  And then we search so hard for the next best thing that we might overlook a really great guy in the process!  Dating and relationships can be such a disaster, a hassle, and a heartache that some of us give up on the search for the sum of us.  And then, some of us settle for less. *sigh*

    I guess by all of this I'm trying to say, your theory is pretty close to the truth (way to go, Crawf, you're on to something!).

    Oh yea, and on a side note (something I've never had the guts to say before, but since you wrote this entry I've got to say it): in reference to the previous blog that you linked here...Nick you don't think so highly of yourself, and that's sad!  You sir, are quite the looker and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (even in uniform).  You really do have a Clark Kent sorta thing going on...Remember, you can choose to take to heart what you will, thank God for free will.  Just listen to the good things and ignore the bad, even if it seems to you the bad may come more often than the good.  You shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone but yourself.  You are the prototype!  Do you get it now?

  • I've said it before, and I'll say it again: why can't two people just decide that they like each other and go from there?? That would definitely simplify all this theory business.  I'm a fan of the direct communication!! Be friends for a while, then if one party feels interested, just ASK! Ai yi yi

    (Yeah, because this method has worked so well for me.)

  • ...Hmm....  I feel as if there is a more interesting tale to be told here surrounding the events that initially prompted this post.

  • *sigh*.. Ok, so first off.. I just had an awkward experience.. of which I'll explain later. Ok, back to the comment I was meaning to leave you.

    I think what you said is true. Typically guys are the initiators, and although sometimes irritating and even frustrating - the status quo has remained the same most likely because women haven't shaken things up too much. My guess is because we aren't any more secure about initiating than the guys we blame for not being aggressive enough.

    I can't say that I'm a big mover & shaker in this department.. I don't feel comfortable being too pushy. Now, if I feel like he's giving me signals - I like to return them. It's the ping-pong theory (thank you, Carolyn). He pings, you pong. Personally speaking, the more comfy I am with the guy, the more daring I will get and will put more self-disclosure and such out there. But it ends when he stops reciprocating. So I think your observations are probably right on with reality.

  • Ah relationships...how I love discussing them...because I get it...and no one else does...and that's why I'm single ;)

    "The power dynamic switches sides frequently. The initiator. The reciprocator. Back to the first side to decide if it's a good idea to continue. But that is held in check by the one who decides to continue to reciprocate!"
    I think of it like a good game of tennis. You get two good, smart players in there (let's say...Sharapova vs. Smashnova...cuz that's a good tennis name:) They're slamming and lobbing on each other, changing up their shots, and my goodness, when they keep returning it over and over, it is mucho fun to watch; you never want it to end. I enjoy watching a good couple go through the motions, people that should be together. Then again, watching two people who are not meant to be in the same state, much less on the same court are excruciating.

    I was going to say more, but I'm tired now and I have to go home.
    Minnie Driver in Good Will Hunting...good stuff.

  • So how well has this worked out for you?

    Just checking.

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